Single Girls Gotta Eat

It is 12:25 am CST. I am watching Monk with my Grandmother. She is on her 4th glass of wine (with ice) and eating Chex Mix. The volume is 20 notches too loud and subtitles are in full action. Earlier she asked me if I lived in a bed and breakfast.

This is so going to be me in 45 years. 

(Me, Orlagh and Marj talking about our Saturday nights over pizza and football)

Marj: Yeah, Kristen was wasted throwing up behind a car and I was like, fuck this. I went to the diner and got some whole wheat banana pancakes.

Marj: Oh, and I woke up naked and alone. 

Marj: But I did have my retainer in and washed my face! 

THAT takes some major skills. 

Went to the Giants/Eagles game today. This is what was consumed…I am not proud. 

Breakfast:

- Left over sushi and dumplings (yup)

Lunch:

- Italian cold cut

- Roast beef cold cut

- Sausage and cheese

- Mashed potatoes

- Hot Dog

- Chili Cheese fries

- Aprox 15,000 calories in beer

DInner:

- Pepperoni Pizza

- Garlic nuts

- The equivalent of 3 diet cokes

I will not be eating tomorrow.

XOXO,

SG

I asked Tumblr support for help regarding a lost blog and they fixed it. Tumblr cares! 

Thanks Karp!

3 day weekend starts with: 

Dean Martin 

Red wine

Flannel pajama pants

Christmas tree

Yule log On-Demand

I wish you could see the scene in my living room right now. You would want to be me SO bad (I am a little jealous of myself right now too). 

XOXO,

SG

My phone conversation this morning with my mother, who now lives in downtown Baltimore. She told me this story and this is how it plays out. To set the scene, 2 drunk guys were fighting about something under my parents bedroom window in the middle of the night. 

Mom: Jim, I am going to call the police. They are being way too loud. 

Dad: No, they are just being drunk and stupid- they will leave soon. 

Mom, laying in bed with an angry look on her face. Tossing and turning, trying to drown out the “fuck this’s” and “fuck that’s”. Finally, she cannot take it anymore. Her courage is mounting and slowly gains the ability to face her fear. Her fear of confrontation.

Mom (20 minutes later): Thats it! (opens upstairs window)

Dad: Heavy sigh

Mom: Hey! You down there! Move along!

2 Drunk Dudes: What?

Mom: HUSH!

Drunk Dude 1: What did she say?

Drunk Dude 2: She said shut up. 

Drunk Dude 1: Exactly.

Cut to actual phone conversation:

SG: (crying with laughter) Move along?! And they listened to you?!

Mom: Yeah, they left. 

Mom: And then I could not go back to sleep because I was so excited about what I had done!!

My street smarts challenged mom has come so politely far!!!

XOXO,

SG

A shout out to my good friend Anne, who just got engaged to Mr. Jengles! Love you Annie Poo! 

(andanotheronebitesthedust)

XOXO,

SG

Single Girls know what I am talking about. The conversation to nowhere. It always starts off fun- you meet a guy, he gets your digits and the first couple of texts are getting to know you related/recapping the night, then starts going downhill. Slowly.

By the 5th day it’s like beating a dead horse, in the winter and without gloves- with a wooden spoon. Below is an example of a conversation to nowhere (Please note: the below conversation is based on real life events, however it has been shortened to withhold your attention and names have been changed to protect the innocent)

Friday: 

(12:30pm) Morton: Hi, it’s Morton. I hope you got home OK. wanted to apologize for my drunk ass last night. 

SG: Hi, no need to apologize. I was a drunk ass too. Hope you are surviving work!

——yadda yadda (approx 3-4 texts)——

(5:30pm) Morton: Btw, do you know if I used my CC at that last bar? I can’t find it

SG: I am ready to go home too. Not sure- that bar is pretty blurry. I heard last nights tab was $1G btw, nice work!

Morton: Haha, yeah

(Total conversation time: 5hours 30mins. PS- $1G on a bar tab is insane. Need I say he is a banker and was surrounded by many banker friends?)

Monday: 

(10:30pm) Morton: hey, hows it going? how was ur weekend? watching the Jets get killed?

(10:50pm): haha, no- not watching the Jets get killed- in a cab from wrk actually. My wknd was good, urs? find ur cc? 

Tuesday:

(Some 9 hours later) Morton: Wknd was good. Couldn’t find the cc. You always work that late?

SG: Sry about ur card. Not normal- been working pretty late these past couple of wks 

Morton: What do you do again?

SG: I work in advertising, that is how i know (mutual friend)

Morton: Oh, gotcha. In Manhattan?

SG: Yes, downtown near Soho

Morton: Cool, fun area to work

SG: Yeah, I love it- much better than midtown

Morton: Haha, very true

(Total conversation time: 5hours, 30mins)

OVERALL CONVERSATION TIME: 11hours, 20 minutes approx 5 days

By 3pm on Tuesday my fingers were numb and my wooden spoon was about to break in half. 

SG LUNCH (12/7):

• Greek Salad
• Banana

SG DInner:

• Pickle
• Cereal

XOXO,

SG

You know what’s disturbing? Looking in your purse on Friday morning to find 5 promotional pens from the bar you were at the night before. 

You know what’s more disturbing? The fact that these 5 pens were aquired while at a bar with a boy who I just met that night. What do you think he was thinking when I asked the bartnder- “Do you mind if I take more than just one?”. 

My drunken hoarding habits started back in college when I would steal cow tails and peanut chews from the local Wawa after the bar. Slowly these cow tails and peanut chews started including beef jerky and string cheese. 

That is when I thought I hit rock bottom- until one night, in a drunken stooper, I atempted to hoard 20 freshly rolled silverwares from Rope Walk in Baltimore. I got caught, and threatened by the bar manager to be put in jail. 

Going to jail for stealing 20 freshly rolled siverwares from a crappy bar in Baltimore was embarassing enough to make me stop my hoarding, or at least slow down. 

Other items I have hoarded (while throughly intoxicated of course) include: bar coasters, business cards, wine glasses, pint glasses, mints and fortune cookies.

Single Girls gotta hoard!

XOXO,

SG